Love hurts. Even when we know in our heart of broken retched hearts that the relationship was doomed from the beginning. I stayed with my charismatic, George Clooney look-a-like Argentinian five years too long. Three months into the relationship the warning sirens were blaring louder than an evacuation alarm, however, I muted these pesky, noisy thoughts because I fell for the instant chemical attraction trap. Convinced he was the love of my life. So even though deep down I knew I didn’t want to marry him or spend the rest of my life putting up with his self-centred, egotistical, moody Argentinian machismo, when the relationship finally ended this is how I felt.
The year 2019
Loosing the love of your life and turning 40 puts everything into perspective. A severe jolt of pain to the system. You wake up one day and the questions of how the f**k did I get here? immediately springs to the forefront of your 40 year old brain. The physical pain unbearable like your heart has been ripped out of your body by a savage, uncaring beast causing every fibre of your being to ache with such incapacitating intensity. Your mind goes numb, you feel your life is not worth living and you can barely make it beyond your morning cup of tea before the tears descend once again, flowing like a raging torrent down the side of your sad, lonely face. You cannot fathom the amount of tears that still spring forth from your eyes as you have already cried an ocean of salty, incandescent tears. The self-loathing at the state of your life is overwhelming and frightening; and you know you should be trying to steer your life back on course, however, the urge to wallow in self pity is far greater and immediately overrides the positive thoughts trying to knock at the door to your consciousness. The door which has been slammed shut with such force it will take a miracle to prize it open again.
You lie in bed pulling the covers tightly around your face, the warmth and closeness provides initial comfort to your raging heartbroken thoughts. However, the incessant thoughts quickly begin to cloud over and you are crying again from the memories that keep replaying over and over and over. You remember a time your bed was filled with two bodies lovingly entwined and your nighttime ritual of reading Law of Attraction cards no longer exists but in the recesses of your mind. You suddenly realise that what’s most important in life is being with your husband or boyfriend or partner, who you love and cherish and leading a healthy happy existence together. Whilst money can ease the burden of having to support your existence throughout your life on this wonderful earth, material items can never love you unconditionally, reach out and place a warm tender kiss on your lips or talk with you for hours on end over a fabulous home cooked meal and a rich, velvety glass of red wine.
You wonder how long it will take before you can recall your relationship memories in your mind without the deluge of salty tears. You imagine a point in time in the future when you can pick up the pieces, dust yourself off and take those first tentative steps forward and begin to move on with your new life. Because right now you cannot even think beyond today and the memories of the past which keep replaying in your mind over and over like the latest hit single on the radio. At least with the radio you can turn the volume down to a droning hum or switch off completely. It’s a lot harder to redirect your mind to the next song or thought of meeting your next lover, partner, boyfriend. You constantly wonder when will the days become bright and easy, rather than feeling like every day is an eternity lost in the Mars desert wilderness, void of any obvious life or way home to a life before and after him.
Ten years later, the breakup pain is a distant memory. Ancient history on faded pages in the Argentinian chapter of my love life storybook. I am strong, I am woman, I definitely survived. Funny thing is he wasn’t the love of my life. We didn’t have much in common and yet I stayed five years to long, clinging to that first instant chemistry encounter which warped my logical brain into thinking we were compatible. Instant physical attraction can be a dangerous thing. I have now learnt at age 50 that emotional attraction is more important in creating a successful relationship and partnership.
So how do you rebuild after loosing the love of your life? How do you stop the pain and flood of memories that haunt your every waking thought? Here are a couple of things that worked for me all those years ago.
- Buy yourself a break-up album and play on repeat (one this occasion my albums were Pink, Kelly Clarkson, Jessica Malboy).
- Cry uncontrollably in the knowledge the tears will stop eventually.
- Spend time with girlfriends who love and support you unconditionally.
- Donate all possessions that remind you of your ex boyfriend to a charitable organisation.
- Delete your ex’s contact details.
- Take comfort in that the pain will pass, you will survive.
Add to this list anything that works for you!