Pursing passions is not that easy it seems, for some. It’s been a while since I posted. Life, unrequited love and another corporate role sapped all my creative energy…again. I found this piece I wrote 13 years ago on my old Apple computer and thought I would share with you. History does repeat and my 2020 challenge is to return to pursuing my creative passion for fashion, philosophy and writing.
Recently I have become curious about who I am. Why was I given this life, this body, this mind? Why was I not born as Elle MacPherson or the man sitting next to me in the doctors surgery or the homeless person on the street? What forces created the life that I am now highly conscious of? What is the purpose of my life? What gifts, talents have I been born with that at this point in time remain hidden? The obvious ones that I have discovered at the age of 37 are my ability to think logically and my sense of style. What are the talents that lay dormant and untapped? Could I have been a champion golfer, fashion stylist/editor, successful photographer, well renowned philosopher? How did I end up at this particular point in time, sitting in a doctors surgery waiting to have a medical for a Talent Development Manager role and pondering the meaning of life.
Throughout my live I have let my fears take hold and always opted for the safe, easy option. What can I do from this day forth to challenge my fears and move forward towards the rich, rewarding life I have always imagined. Is it too late at my age? Through commitment, consciousness and a willingness to take risks, surely I can proceed down a different path. Which path will I choose? What enduring legacy do I want to leave behind on this magnificent and wondrous earth.
My desire to manifest and live a meaningful life that allows me to enjoy the beauty and wonder of the natural world every day grows stronger every day. Especially the world I perceive through my observant eyes, in the early dawn when the light turns a beautiful shade of golden and shadows slowly form in the morning glow. The sun finally peeks a look over the mountains on the horizon, filling the sky with such vivid colours. I want my office to be in the outside world rather than trapped in the confines of an ugly building with bland colours, shapes and forms. To breath in the sweet smell of jasmine flowers or the earthy smell after a summer rain. To feast my eyes on the thriving life of a garden with birds, butterflies and bees drinking in the honey nectar of spring flowers. The freedom to choose how to spend your waking hours, a thought which continues to creep into my mind.
To create a life of writing, fashion, photography and philosophy is burning deep with desire, a dream of accomplishing critical acclaim. Leaving a legacy of inspirational words, thoughts and images to guide and shape the future direction of human existence on this mysterious world. As far back as I can remember I have always wanted to change the world, stamping out ignorance and narrow mindedness in the way humans treat the earth as ours alone; to own, to rape, to pillage and destroy with our senseless and seemingly robotic unquestioning quest for rampant consumption. And nearly at mid-life, this dream is still yet to be realised. Is my current state of being a reflection of my sense that I have deviated far from my original path. The discomfort, the frustration…or is it just who I am? Am I more like my father than I would ever wish to be. I have strived hard to disconnect from his negative, grumpy and narrow-minded ways. Has this all been a mirage, the shimmer a reflection back into my own being. By thinking about what I don’t want to be, have I actually attracted those aspects of his personality I despise. The negativity, the rage, the anger, the opposition. Why have I been given this life?
‘My life sucks’ churns over and over in my mind. How did I end up in this dead boring job a million miles away from my real passion? I am so frustrated at this very moment I do not know whether to laugh, cry, scream or break down uncontrollably. The boredom of sitting in front of a computer screen trying to act busy is driving me insane. I feel like I am going against the grain with every fibre of my being. I am the product of my own making. Now I need to find my path back to my passion. At the moment that seems like an insurmountable task. All my professional training has been in psychology and I don’t even want to deal with people anymore. I cannot even be bothered writing this because I am so lost within the numbness of my mind. Give me a sign, a light to move towards in the deep, dark, blackness of this tunnel.
Have you experienced the same ‘history repeats’ moments in your life?
1970’s Vintage Floral dress by Helga